drown

i wish to be one with the water

I feel like I’m about to choke on the disappointment I’ve caused everyone and die and I would welcome death with open arms if not for the feeling of gasping for air while drowning, knowing full well that it is better that way, better to just give myself to the ocean, knowing no one could save me if they tried. Maybe no one would try. Maybe it’s better to not have anyone try, for fear of pulling them in with me, simply because I, being my incompetent self, wouldn’t know how to let go of them and let them out. I would let myself drown if not for the dread that comes with being in empty waters with no one around. I would let myself drown if someone held my hand through it – even in my last moments I would not want to be alone. Even at my end, I would still be insufficient.

I would gladly drown if not for the dread of the water filling my lungs, suffocating me as I struggle against it, kick my hands and feet – begging wordlessly for either life or death to have mercy on me. I would let the water take me, if only it promised to give me away to death before it could replace all the oxygen in my lungs, if the ocean promised to not cover my insides in salt, if only it promised to let my drowning be painless.

I would drown myself if it were easy.